Name Todd Reiss
Address 2200 Pine St.
City Wantagh
State New York
Zipcode 11793
Phone 516-731-7675
Entry No. 1: Feb. 7, 1998
Has anyone had experience with a long distance relationship with their children? 600 miles in this case; how do you fight it? The lawyers I am using don't seem very effective. I need one that will fight till death!!! My ex is completely irrational (prone to panic disorders) and will not accept the situation, will not allow me to see my 6 year old, and falsely accuses me of physical abuse. Helpppp !!!!!
I am running out of money and my sanity is on the line. I love my daughter more than life itself and I haven't seen her in 8 months. When I do get to talk to her on the phone I can feel the distance and I can tell she no longer remembers living with me. I am just someone who sends presents. Please any information will help. ________________________________________________________________________
Entry No. 2: update Feb. 17, 1998
Well I won temporary custody; but no one will enforce it so what good does it do? The only way I can see my daughter is to take the police to her door and put her through the hell that would cause and then I would be sinking to my ex's level and then even if I did that no one is going to knock down her door and force her into turning over my daughter. If I knock down the door, I go to jail. Thank you judicial system for all the legal mumbo jumbo, worthless papers that you hand out with the expensive price tags. Wouldn't it be easier to just tell men at the first court date...
Okay, you can't have any access to your child and you must pay $$$ forget about anything else and go on with your life, The End!.... much more humane I think. ______________________________________________________________________________
Entry No. 3: update Feb. 22, 1998
That's my story above. A good friend helps me through. It's been 8 months since I last saw my daughter. She is 6. Her mother took her from New York to Ohio last year without my consent. I went to a lawyer who opened my custody suit and after numerous court dates in New York with no appearance by her I remain in the same situation as I began. I still haven't seen my daughter.
I was given a temporary custody order by NYS and was able to keep jurisdiction in NY. In the meantime, my daughter remains captive with her mother and her grandmother in Ohio. My choices are going to the Ohio police and getting my daughter from the home or wait until the situation is a little more under control. A serious dilemma.
Of course most would immediate think it is my obligation as a father to go get her and bring her to New York. Others might say she belongs with her mother. Her mother has always shown love for her and I believe my daughter is safe and happy living in Ohio. Of course, she misses her father but I have not been able to see her due mainly to the hostility and no progress made in any direction toward any settlement.
All I want to do is be with my daughter and enjoy as much of her life as I can. I want to provide for her and support her and care for her whether she lives with me or her mother. However after spending a lot of money and more to follow I now have Supreme court and Family court hearings. None of which I know whether she will ever return to appear. At what point does it come to the table? At what point does somebody step in and say legally you have a right to see your child and this is what you have to do in order to do it? I have gone through the torment and embarrassment the X caused by leaving in the first place and now she is making it impossible for me to see my daughter without her involvement.
The court system moves slow and costs money as you all know. I am in deep and see no short term answer. I have told my lawyer and my X that I want to settle. At what point does this all happen?
She finally has a NY lawyer but I am supposed to pay it. I just got another bill from my lawyer I can't pay for. Everyone is benefitting here except for me. And my greatest loss is my daughter. I read many stories here. We all seem to have similar boats. I wish you all luck.
Well folks that's my story and Im sticking to it. Let me know if you have any insight. I love my daughter. Would do anything for her. My current situation calls for a more gentle, moral, and deliberate approach. My daughters happiness, well being, financial and emotional stability are all at stake. Thanks for listening. Feel free to respond.
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Entry No. 4: March 6, 1998
The nightmare continues. After appearing and attempting to answer the complaint that the X filed in the Supreme
Court, she was a no show, her lawyer was a no show, and there were no additional papers sent to the court on her
behalf. My lawyer was prepared to argue against the complaint since the papers were never properly served on me,
but instead stuffed in the mail box.
The Process Server lied and said I refused to accept the papers when in fact I was not at home. The judge ruled
to postpone the case until the end of the month (after my Family Court date). I have been trying to get the matter
resolved for 9 months now. I still haven't seen my daughter, the X continues and probably will continue to not
show up in court. It seems as if the court needs to decide on how to handle her no shows. I have appeared 5 times.
I am steadily going broke, I got screwed on my income tax, and I still have my temporary custody order that is
forcing me to go get my daughter in Ohio and bring h! er back to New York.
I don't want to traumatize my daughter (6 yrs old) any more than she has been, but I am beginning to think that I have no choice but to go get her and use her as a pawn in order for the X to appear in court. How is it that the courts just ignore a no show? Does anyone have any advice on how to move things along? I have thought about new lawyers but I don't know how much good that will do. I appreciate any response.
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Entry No. 5: April 9, 1998
I finally listened to the advice that was given and I went to Ohio to see my daughter. The experience of seeing her again after 9 months was as intense as anything I have ever had to deal with. She was distant naturally, a little afraid, nervous. I think we both shared the same feelings. I went there with the intentions of just visiting and checking out the situation. I met with the X. She would not allow me to spend anytime alone with my daughter as she was afraid I would take her back to New York. I had made up my mind that the best thing for my daughter at this time was to trust her father and therefore I kept my word and did not take her. The temporary custody order I have from NYS of course would not be enforced in Ohio and I was determined to just spend some time with my daughter. Naturally the bitterness, disgust, and anger between the X and I came out.
She ended up calling the cops on me because she wanted to get her possessions out of my car. She had no legitimate reason to call. The police would not enforce my temporary custody order and the next day she told me my daughter wanted me to leave. I listened knowing that I had accomplished seeing my daughter and there was very little I could do for her at that time and that I was putting myself at risk. La! ter I found out that the X instructed my daughter to scream if I tried to take her. While there, I tried to offer the X a settlement. She still refuses to settle and still ignores anything I say about ending the marriage and settling the custody, visitation, child support, etc. I have the temporary custody order and she is unwilling to negotiate anything. It just does not add up. She obviously is not concerned for our daughter's well being. When I left Ohio to return to NYS I got paged 911 the whole way home.
When I arrived home my family and friends told me that she had been calling frantically to get in touch with me. Something about my daughter being sick. I knew this was all just a ploy. I had 20 messages on my answering machine demanding that we get back together again and threatening to show up at my apartment and move in again. She called my job and my landlord too. I ended up going to family court and getting a temporary order of protection against her intimidation and! harassment. She now has those papers too. Then she just continued to call me. Pleading for reconciliation. Finally when things hit rock bottom and I had made it clear that there was no reconciliation, the next call I got from the X was that she and my daughter were leaving her mother's home in Ohio and didn't know where they were going. Goodbye.
So now, my daughter is missing. I don't know where she is or if this is just another maneuver on her mother's part to get me to call and attempt to reconcile again. I will give it a week and then if my daughter is not in school I will report her missing. Once again, the good guy with the good intentions ends up feeling more pain and the child that never asked for any of this continues to be used. I knew things would be difficult in my fight for justice. I just never knew I would be fighting it alone. Thanks to my friends and family and most of all to srus for the support they have offered. I am sure there will be more to follow. Thanks for reading. Any help is appreciated.
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Entry No. 5: update June 3, 1998
Finally some good news! I caught a big break! I went to Family court again. The X didn't show for the 9th time (as usual) nor did her lawyer (if she actually has one). The judge, the law guardian, and the attorney for the court all decided that I should be awarded permanent custody of my daughter. I am now waiting for the papers to be drawn and the judge to sign them. The decision based on default. So now my mission is to go get my daughter from her mother in Ohio and bring her back to New York. Of course she doesn't know this yet and all hell is about to break loose. I am grateful that the court finally saw her negligence (I still can't believe it)for what it was worth. I still have to face the hard part of dealing with the emotional damage caused to my daughter over the past year.
Hopefully the authorities in Ohio will help me get my daughter and I can begin the healing process for us both. I look forward to being with my daughter again. I also realize that the hurt for my daughter and myself will continue until I get her and myself on some solid ground. For all of you that are fighting for your children, I don't have any great advice. Lord knows I didn't know what to do. Read and learn as much as you can about the law and about how to deal with your specific situation. I truly know the pain and suffering you must feel. If you truly believe you are a good father all I can say is hang in there. Do it for your children and think through the decisions that you make.
It will be very hard for a long time, but for your sake there must be a light at the end of the tunnel. I have come to learn that it is not always a train coming. If nothing else your children will know, and you can tell them if they don't know, that you cared enough to give up every being of your life to save your child from whatever nightmare they are living, and in some cases they may not even be aware of it. I have learned a lot from this site. My story will continue as time goes on. Hopefully it will remain upbeat. I wish you all luck, patience, and my prayers. I know that friendship and support is the greatest gift a person can have. Get some and get it quick. Thanks to my family, my friends, my co-workers, and especially SRUS for her patience, kindness, love, and for hanging with me through the toughest times of my life.
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Entry No. 6: update July 11, 1998
I knew it was too good to be true. At the last minute she got a new lawyer and sent a Order to Show Cause that literally ripped apart me, her old lawyer, the law guardian, and anyone else she could throw in. She claims she was unaware of any court proceedings. Now she wants to be heard. So the judge signed off and now I have a court date for July 21. I offered a settlement and I am waiting to hear the results of that offer. So far no good. Would you believe she actually asked if she could stay in my apartment while she went to court.
Of course I was suppose to leave it. At any rate one good thing came of it. The judge ordered that my daughter be produced before the court, so at least she has to bring her with. I will finally get to see my daughter again in the court house. Lucky me. Lucky her. Her lies and accusations could all be proved wrong but I really wonder if any court is interested in hearing the Father's side of everything. I will fill you all in on the outcome. Maybe a peaceful settlement can finally be met. If you all knew the parts of my story that I haven't! written about you wouldn't believe it. I know you all know how crazy the court system is. There is only one thing crazier than the court system and that is the bitch I am dealing with. I will keep you up to date on further developments.
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Entry No. 7: REUNION Aug. 28, 1998
I finally got my day in Family Court and the X finally showed up (1 out of 12 ain't bad). She had no choice but to appear in court this time. She was begging to be heard after she was served with my proposed Permanent Custody Order. That's how close I was to having my daughter permanently. A judge's signature away! But, once again the X pulled a trick out of her sleeve and bashed me, bashed the Law Guardian, bashed her X lawyer, claimed she knew nothing about any court proceedings, pleaded ignorance, and filed an Order to Show Cause. It was a day of hell. Accusations flying back and forth. Lawyers running back and forth, my daughter caught up in the heat of the battles.
The Law Guardian that was appointed to the case was on vacation. He wrote a letter to the Judge that explained that her papers were totally out of line. For one year I tried to get my case heard and for The X to appear before the Judge. Each time I went to court (12 times) I was faced with the dilemma of not being able to execute NYS court orders in Ohio and The X's nonappearance in court. The X's arrogance toward the court is still fully in tact. I am at a loss for how to stop her malicious and irrational behavior. Recently my little girl and I have been subject to The X's verbal harassment and abuse and I have seen clear indications that her behavior is affecting my ! little girl's relationship and behavior toward me. On July 21, 1998, the Judge, at the recommendation of the Temporary Law Guardian and by an agreement between The X and myself, ordered JOINT CUSTODY. I thought then that Joint Custody was in the best interest of my daughter although her residence would be in Ohio.
The court granted me a visitation effective that day and I could take my little girl home with me until August 18, 1998. As you could imagine, I was excited, relieved, and jubilant to be with my daughter again. During my visitation, The X immediately acted irrational. She threatened to come with the police, created a scene and tossed her belongings all over the outside of my home, and called our daughter several times and abused her over the phone (Mommy Dearest). The X's behavior immediately interfered with our time together and caused great distress and anxiety. I immediately responded to the problem. I contacted my attorney and the Temporary Law Guardian for advice and help. I went to the Family Court and attempted to file a Petition for Violation of Visitation. However, the person representing the court told me I was wasting my time since no formal order had been written. The Temporary Law Guardian advised me that I could try to get the case back on the court calendar. My attorney contacted The X's attorney and after that the frequency of calls from The X to our daughter continued but the substance was slightly toned down.
My little girl and I enjoyed each day together and renewed our relationship. I attempted to do what I thought were the right things and allowed her to converse with her mother, aunt, and grandmother at my telephone expense. I allowed her to speak with her mother when she called and we sent three letters and pictures to her mother. Words cannot explain the love and bonding that my daughter and I shared during our time together. Unfortunately, immediately after returning her to her mother that bonding was quickly extinguished. When I returned my little girl to her mother on August 18, 1998 she became frightened and concerned that her mother and I would fight. She was concerned that her mother did not want her to bring the gifts and toys she had acquired. I assured her that I would not fight and I did not argue with The X at the drop off. However, The X tried very hard to instigate an argument with me by yelling and screaming at me, literally ripping our daughter out of my car and transferring her to her van, and calling me a "bastard" and other profanity. This all took place in public and in front of our daughter. The X would not allow her to hug me or say goodbye.
I did the best I could to ignore The X's hostility and left the scene immediately keeping yet another promise to my daughter. Since August 19, I have received numerous harassing phone calls from The X accusing me, my family, and friends of mistreating our daughter. She falsely accused me of committing adultery and mentally abusing my little girl. The X continued to bad mouth my family and friends, claimed that she threw the gifts and toys away in the garbage, and again attempted to alienate my daughter against me. The same very happy child that bonded with me for 29 days was now screaming, crying, and refusing to speak with me all at The X's coaxing and prodding. This cruelty to a 6 year old is for shame. I have received more than fifty phone calls from The X since August 19, 1998. Each time she calls she demands that I speak with her about reconciliation. Each time she calls me, I repeatedly ask to speak with my daughter. Each time she becomes malicious and my little girl is never available to speak.
The X has informed me that the only way I can speak with to my daughter is to speak with her first. Even after I allowed her to ramble on about reconciliation she still denied me phone access. I am very concerned that The X's irrational and malicious behavior displayed before Joint Custody was ordered continues to be exhibited to this day. My concerns on July 21, 1998 were the same as they are today. I believe that no matter what decision or order is made The X will never cooperate or obey it. I am concerned that the placement of My little girl in The X's home will not be in her best interest. I am also concerned that The X will deny my visitations and phone access, and I may not be able t! o have the court orders executed in Ohio. I am being forced out of my daughters life against my will !!! I realize that attempting to have this case put back on the court calendar right now may not prove effective. I also realize that The X will probably not appear for any future court cases. This is where the law falls short. Almost any Mother can obtain a custody order if they want to. The visitation and the half of the order that belongs in the Father's best interest can be ignored. Not only that. When you want to ignore court orders. All you have to do is leave the state. I know one woman that has cried wolf one too many times.
There is a higher being that dictates our lives and I know that my dedication to my daughter will be my salvation. What will be the X's salvation? Take notice of the inequality of laws. Take notice of the Father's that are looked upon as second class parents. I am one father that loves his daughter with all my heart and more. I have been shut out to the point where I could shut down. But I go on. I think of the 29 days I had with my! daughter when I know she was happy to be with me. Moving on and rebuilding my life is what has to come next for me. I will never abandon my daughter, but I also feel that remaining active in her life will bring her only misery from her mother. My court battles are nearing an end (hopefully), but the trauma of separation of Father and Daughter continue. Where are the laws that help Father's? Speak Out!